


Dry Drowning

by RoyEdIsMyAesthetic



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Choking, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Heart-to-Heart, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Scratching, Sleeping Together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 10:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15579945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic/pseuds/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic
Summary: Roy finds that he and his lover are more similar than he first believed.





	Dry Drowning

“Off,” Edward commanded. “Take it off.”

He was demanding. As usual.

You know, when they first started seeing each other like this, Roy had interpreted Ed’s phrase as ‘Take it off because I want something’. And despite the sort of persona that he took on in the workplace, Roy was actually one for sentiment. He was emotional. And he was a bit disappointed to see Edward, someone so selfless... thinking only of his own needs. 

And yes, it was true that Ed wanted something. There was nothing wrong with that. But that didn’t mean Ed wasn’t willing to give. Ed was willing to share. In fact, he needed to share, he needed to give, because there was something that he needed to lessen the weight of. 

It was difficult to understand, but yes, it was something that Roy understood as he and Ed lay in bed together. 

Roy’s bed was a full, a step up from Edward’s twin, but there was still little space to be alone with oneself. And that was a good thing. 

Roy liked the tangle of sheets, the tangle of legs, the closeness of body, and the familiar scent which hangs on your lover’s skin. The scent is really something that you can’t describe, but when morning comes around, and you’re alone, in body but not in thought, you roll over like the dog you are and bury your nose into your pillow. 

And you just know that the night before was real. Which is also a good thing, because you need it to be. 

There were many reasons why Roy knew that this was real. One of which was that he could feel Edward’s weight, whereas he usually felt only his own.

Edward had been laying on top of his chest for a couple of minutes. He was just light enough to do so without causing any discomfort. But after a while, Edward sat up and straddled the older man’s waist, a gentle clink heard as he hurriedly undid the metal button of Roy’s royal blue uniform pants. When he had trouble undoing the zipper in the dark, Roy lifted his hips slightly to accommodate him, the action familiar, and the response familiar as well. 

In that moment between moments, Roy was aware of his own breathing, heavy, full, and steady like ocean waves. But such qualities did not mean much within the context of what was happening. 

He was calm. Comfortable. Unbothered by outside things. He liked that feeling. Or perhaps lack of feeling. He liked the fact that Edward was able to do that to him- he liked having things being done to him, and so he remained ever so still as Ed then gripped the hem of his white button-down shirt, tugging at it gently, as if to say once more…

‘Off. Take it off.”

Captured within those golden eyes was that look, lust and something else intermingling, twinkling like a star on the blitz, that look which confused Roy and made him wonder if after all of those tender moments they had shared, it was just a game. And a plot to satisfy the hunger within. 

And in part, it was, but it was also love. Never forget that. Two can be present at the same time. And anyway, Ed could have gotten Roy to take off his shirt any other way while giving him such a searing look as that, and yet he decided to be gentle. 

To be what he needed. 

What is it that you need?

Fingers worked at undoing the plastic buttons of Roy’s shirt, but before he was done, Edward sat up, nice and slow, his quiet breathing heard in the dark.

Something had changed within him. Roy wasn’t quite sure what it was, but something had changed. And there Ed stayed for a moment… Thoughtful...

And then he bent back down, down, down, hands running over the plain of Roy’s chest. Roy’s vision was bathed in gold, and his body was bathed in Edward’s warmth, the warmth of breath as Edward spoke, the brush of lips against lips as words were whispered. 

“Reveal yourself to me...”

Roy washed back up onto the sands of reality, so dizzy with the exchange of carbon dioxide that he laughed with glee. The sound… it didn’t seem like it came from himself. It seemed out of character, but he was in too deep to care. 

“Reveal yourself to me?” Roy parroted mockingly.

“Just shut up and take your stupid shirt off, dammit!” Ed exclaimed as fingers went to work at undoing the buttons.

Roy silently squirmed against the bed sheets. He knew what was coming- he could feel it. 

“Aw, come on!” Ed whined. “Fucking relax for once, I’m not going to-” 

Quickly bending over, Ed then blew a raspberry into the middle of Roy’s bare stomach, the sound loud and wet. 

PHHHHHHT! 

Roy laughed. 

Edward smiled. 

At other times, Ed also tickled, and rubbed noses. 

Edward was a playful lover, and for that, Roy was thankful. He couldn’t see himself with anyone else. He’d been with playful women after nights of drinking, but it just wasn’t the same. It never carried on into the waking hours of morning. It was never true. And the truth… well, it tends to carry on.

Edward silently pulled off Roy’s shirt and put it off to the side. He then lay back down on top of Roy, head on Roy’s warm chest. Roy held him close and soaked in his lover’s calm, wondering if it was brought about by the sound of his heartbeat. 

Did Edward hear him? Did he know how he felt?

Sheets whispered as Edward shifted his body slightly upward, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. And he kissed Roy for the thousandth time.

He was an eager kisser. 

He was a sloppy kisser. 

He needed something. 

Nose bumped into nose, teeth knocked against teeth, lips were bitten; he needed something... 

He needed something. 

They broke for air, and Edward smiled and kissed him again, just a peck on the forehead before laying back down on Roy’s chest, nuzzling his face into the crook of Roy’s neck. The contours of Roy’s body were made just for him, so he could do just this. 

“Oh…” Edward half breathed and half moaned. 

Whether it was a breath or a moan, Roy felt Edward’s delight on his skin, the shaping of Edward’s lips, the pushing of breath like the tide washing upon the sands of a beach. 

Edward went up on his elbows, cradled Roy’s head in the space in between. Toying with his hair. Speaking his truth, neither smiling nor frowning, but if he did either, his truth would be no less truthful. 

“I just want to… to mash my face into yours. I want to push my face into your face; I want to push my body into your body. I want to push myself into you until the point that we… that we meld together and become one. That’s what I want. But… I don’t know how.”

Roy was almost touched. But he was also confused, because after all of this, how could Edward not know how? Or perhaps he did know how, and he was simply lightening the air, but for what purpose?

“Perhaps you know,” Edward continued with a small, soft smile as he knitted his fingertips into Roy’s hair. “You’re a dumb bastard, but you know a lot of things. I’ve gotta hand that to you...”

There was a slight pause as golden eyes searched onyx. 

“Do you know how?” Ed cooed. 

“I know how,” Roy replied quietly. 

“Do you know?”

Roy paused and breathed in deeply through his nose. He exhaled, his spine stretching against the mattress, bittersweet understanding touching his countenance. 

“I know,” Roy smiled, “I knew it.”

“I knew you knew it!” Edward exclaimed happily, “You get me...”

Understanding.

Edward was surrounded by so many people who cared for him, and yet he was still searching for understanding.

“Doesn’t Alphonse understand you?” Roy asked. 

Edward shifted his weight and rested his cheek in his palm.

“He’s my brother,” Edward whispered, “Of course he understands me. He’s my best friend. And you’re… you’re my lover, so you’re my best friend too, but it’s different. There are intimate things that just aren’t appropriate. And when something happens, you’re usually the first one I want to tell nowadays, so that’s how I know all this means something. I guess. Or maybe… Maybe it means Al and I are drifting apart. ” 

Roy didn’t quite know what to say in order to make things better. He didn’t know many siblings, and neither was he a sibling himself, and so he didn’t know about the intricacies of growing up together and then eventually growing apart. And so Roy said what he knew. 

“You’re the first one I want to tell as well,” he stated gently.

And it was the truth. And after the truth sank solemnity. If it wasn’t there already... 

“With you, it’s okay sometimes,” Ed said, resting his cheek upon Roy’s chest. “It’s okay for you to see me, but I don’t want Al to see how… how sad I am...” 

“I’m sorry that you feel that way,” Roy said, beginning to gently stroke Edward’s hair. “I’m sorry…”

Roy felt Edward’s chest fill, or perhaps tighten, as one does when emotion washes over. He supposed that Ed wasn’t used to people apologizing. Sympathizing. Empathizing and verbally making it known. Edward wasn’t looking for such a thing in the first place. It wasn’t what he needed. And it wasn’t what he wanted either. 

Shifting around slightly, Roy placed a gentle, apologetic kiss upon his lover’s forehead. 

The action itself was so simple, but Roy loved doing it- he dreamt of doing it when Ed was away. Just a kiss upon his forehead. As if that made everything better. And it didn’t. But it made Roy feel a bit better in turn, to have someone… to give what they needed.

Edward was what Roy needed.

He was what he needed. 

He was a dream. 

He was what he didn’t deserve.

“You’re so fucking beautiful…” Roy whispered into Edward’s skin.

“That ain’t you talkin’...” Edward hummed in response. But the statement went unnoticed. 

Roy gently ran a warm palm over Edward’s shoulder, skin gliding over skin as sheets whispered the world quiet. Roy had intended to take his lover’s hand, but he recognized the slight flinching of Edward’s body as fingertips brushed over the skin at his wrist. And with that came a slight crashing of reality for Roy, a slight realization that something existed outside of This. 

Roy had caught glimpses of the scabs on Edward’s wrists, pink from fingernails digging into skin, hateful, and angry, and harsh. At first, he had wondered if they were what he thought they were, because he had known nothing else, and so nothing else could be. But he eventually accepted the scabs and scars as a fact of life, and a past into which he was not to pry. 

But then, fresh scratches joined the first few in the exact same place, and they scared Roy, oh yes, they did... But at the same time, Roy was perhaps less frightened than he could have been. Because at one point, you realize the world is so fucked up, and you’re so fucked up, and everyone around you is so fucked up as well, that nothing surprises you anymore. And if something progresses into something even more terrible… that’s just how… how things happen. 

In that moment, all you can really do is kiss your loved one’s wrist, and whisper what is on your mind. 

“So beautiful…” Roy muttered. “It doesn’t make you any less beautiful, but… Why’ve you gotta keep on doing that?” he hummed, his breath tickling Edward’s pulse. 

“Doin’ what?” Edward questioned softly.

“Drowning. You’re such a strong, delicate thing… A strong, delicate thing...” Roy repeated, his words trailing off and slurring a bit at the end.

Edward let out a quiet sigh, his eyes falling closed as he did so. Rolling over onto his side, cheek pressed against the fabric of the bed sheets, he then looked into the eyes of his lover as a small, knowing smile touched his lips. 

“I might ask you the same about drowning. I can smell it on your breath. If we kiss enough, will I get drunk?”

Roy had forgotten about that... The bottle under his bed...

Edward made him do that often. Not drink of course, but rather, forget about what came before. Because what came before didn’t really matter as long as Edward was there. 

Roy had once told Edward that he was like a drug, not powdered, but liquid. You see, liquid consumes you, as water does a fire. And always, without fail, the fire surrenders, and becomes lost in all that the water is- the fire drowns in the water... 

This all should have been a bit scary to Roy, the master of fire. But he was too tipsy to feel it. He instead smiled back at Ed, and wondered if in doing so, Edward could smell the scotch he had downed not even an hour before. Was the substance in his smile? Was it in his lungs?

He smiled and breathed anyway. 

“If we eat face, you might lose the night by accident,” Roy joked. 

And Edward wouldn’t, but he would. The whole night would be forgotten by the break of dawn, and maybe that was a sad thing. But Edward chuckled softly and turned over on the mattress so that they lay chest to chest. 

“That’s alright,” Ed stated quietly. “That’s what I came here for.” 

“Really?” Roy questioned, “Is that what you came here for?” 

“That’s what I came here for,” Edward repeated in the same, sleepy voice. “Let’s kiss again,” he suggested. “With tongue, but no lips, and no teeth.”

Roy laughed, the sound bubbling from him, like bubbles breaking the surface of water for air. They’d tried such a thing before, tongue, no lips, no teeth. And it was so silly that just the thought made Roy laugh. 

“I think I’m feeling a little something now...” Roy hummed with amusement. 

I think I’m feeling a little something. 

As if he hadn’t felt something before. Or if before, he had been feeling the wrong sort of way. In that moment, Roy wasn’t quite sure what he had meant by the statement. But Edward seemed to know, and the look on his face let Roy deduce that it was a matter which concerned him. 

“Are you in pain?” Edward questioned. 

Roy was taken by surprise. He supposed he wasn’t used to being asked in such a direct way by someone who understood, and while his smile remained, Roy still felt something catch at the back of his throat. 

“Yes,” Roy replied, a small, sleepy smirk lingering. “I am.”

“Did I hurt you?” 

Roy’s smile faded, and he shook his head, displeased by the fact that Edward could suggest such a thing. 

“No… No...”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Why talk about reason when you’re already familiar with it? You can guess, and you would probably be right. You get me…”

And as words trailed off, Roy looked into Edward’s eyes. 

You know, when they first started seeing each other like this, Roy was a bit disappointed to see Edward, someone so selfless, thinking only of his own needs. But now, Ed was worrying about him, and doing everything but. However, Ed was also still thinking of his own needs, because he needed something, and because two can be present at the same time.

It was in this that Roy realized that on a more sober night, when the senses are as clear as water, he didn’t have to feel so bad. 

So bad about drowning his sorrows and the memory of everything but This in his lover, because his lover did the same. And maybe that was why they were meant to be. 

“Are you in pain?” Roy asked. 

“Yes.”

“Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Ed replied. “But the fact of the matter is that a part of me believes that I feel more than everyone else. Things get to me more. It just feels like… like everything’s so much harder for me. But then sometimes, I feel so… detached. Like the person I’m supposed to be has drifted away, and in those moments, I feel so much less than everybody else, and I’m not sure which extreme makes me feel more lonely... That’s part of the reason why I need you,” Ed hummed, sitting upright. 

Drunk on oxytocin, the blonde swayed slightly, like a sailor without his sea legs. But Edward laughed at his own lack of balance and straddled Roy’s waist. He first slid the older man’s pants down, and then his boxers, and soon afterward, he settled himself back in warmth of Roy’s bare skin, right there in the place where he belonged. 

Edward took his own shirt off, golden hair everywhere, a dumb smile plastered on his face, the sight of his half naked body twisting Roy’s stomach in knots with want. 

And Ed bent down and kissed Roy again.

Nose bumped into nose, and teeth knocked against teeth, and lips were bitten, and Roy wanted Edward this awful, wonderful thing that they shared. It was in breaking for air that Roy found himself breathless, and it was as fingers ran themselves through golden locks that Roy voiced what he already knew. He knew because he had experienced it a couple of times before. And such a thing wasn’t quick like the flip of a switch, but rather, slow. Like glass turned and smoothed of its sharp edges by the sea.

“You know… Edward…” Roy breathed heavily, “It gets better...”

Because I’ve got you, and you’ve got me, and we’re exactly the same. 

“Oh really?” Edward sang softly as he slowly sat upright once more. “It gets better?”

With Edward still straddling his hips, Roy ran a hand up over Edward’s collarbone, fingers gently wrapping around the side of Edward’s neck. Edward had explained once how much he loved it when Roy touched his neck. It didn’t matter if it was a light choking or just a gentle kiss, there was something about that simple touch that made Edward’s mind short circuit. 

Roy hated seeing Edward vulnerable like that. He loved seeing Edward vulnerable like that. And the thought of the lack of air on its own made Roy lose his breath, because they were both one in the same.

Edward slid a hand over Roy’s hand, pressing down, silently telling Roy that it was okay to squeeze harder. And Roy obliged, finding pleasure in Edward’s pleasure. Finding pleasure in giving what was wanted, no matter how unconventional. 

To be what he needed. 

And he loved him, and he loved him as well, and they showed it.

And when morning came around, and Roy was alone, in body but not in thought, he would roll over like the dog he was, and he would bury his nose into his pillow, and know that the night before was real. Which was a good thing, because he needed it to be. But hours before all of that, Edward bent over Roy, skin flushed and salty with sweat, and he kissed Roy on the lips. 

And he smiled a small, sad smile and whispered what he needed, which Roy already knew, for they were one in the same. 

“I want to sink slowly... to the bottom of the ocean where the world is royal blue… And bury myself inside of you...”

A dry drowning.

**Author's Note:**

> I had someone say that to me once- the “I just want to… to mash my face into yours. I want to push my face into your face; I want to push my body into your body...” part? So, I’m sorry for taking the words out of your mouth and basing my gay fanfic around it. The same individual blows raspberries onto my stomach, so I’m sorry about that too. Not receiving raspberries, but sharing private information. There’s more I want to say about this story, but I’m just going to leave it at that for now. I just hope you didn’t find the story to be too boring.


End file.
